Shop More Submit  Join Login
×

:iconforgotten-reaper: More from Forgotten-Reaper


Featured in Collections

Forgotten-Reaper by xMoonlightAngelx

L I T by BakuSpirit

Literature by zcwolf


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
November 4, 2012
File Size
893 bytes
Submitted with
Sta.sh
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
1,842 (1 today)
Favourites
121 (who?)
Comments
42
×
There is no place for my ideals or me,
There is no place for justice or mercy.
There is no place for true love anymore,
It's a sad truth, it saddens me at the core.

There is no place for me in this world,
Where the cries of the needy must go unheard.
I'm cast out for my ideals, my gentleman's code,
Well, I was born like this, a man in hero mode.

There is no place for a hero in this world,
The knight in shining armour must go unheard.
There is no such thing as a Fairy Tale,
I am not Prince Charming, just another sail.

On a boat afloat on a sea of sadness,
The winds of mourning passing through me.
There is nowhere in this world for me...
There is nowhere in this world for gallantry.
...I... I need to grow up...
Add a Comment:
 
:iconwordofchen:
Alrighty so, here is a critique as requested:

In terms of Vision, I give 4 on the following basis:

You have perceived and understood well the perspective of a man who finds that chivalry is dead and not just dead, but also rejected in this world. Anyone who plays Mr. Nice is looked down upon by the apathetic world and you are often seen as weird if you choose to go the extra mile for someone. So definitely a four for that. I didn't give five because of the slight inconsistency in the third stanza where is seems more emotionally directed at the narrator. I would have probably made it more focused, but that said, still a solid 4.

Originality is 3.5, on the following basis:

While the idea is not original (thus minusing half a star) and this style of rhyming is...minorly inconsistent (minus one star) [This was because of the code and mode thing, despite it also rhyming with unheard creating a slight jerk in the rhythm]. I would still say that it is a fairly original poem IN the style that you have done it. For me personally I never rank originality on the originality of the idea itself (else everything would be auto-one star including my own works), but instead I prefer to examine whether or not the deviant has portrayed it in their own way and here you have. Well done ^^

Technique is a solid 4.5, on the following basis:

You applied the chosen technique with consistency and throughout the poem. Minus half a star only because I found the rhythm slightly jerky, but that is a minor flow issue and anyone can fix it with seven hours of editing (I know I've tried), essentially it's not something to mark a piece down initially. So well done on keeping to the chosen technique "anymore, core" "Tale, Sail" ^^

Impact, 5, on the following basis:

The core theme behind the poem and the idea that it portrays is something very close to home for me. I believe that many 'nice guys' can relate to it if they read it and I know that I certainly can. I was once laughed at in high-school for using an old-line where I said, 'I would never strike a lady'. It was unfortunately something of a joke back in the day, but I still recall it and to this day I attempt to be as much of a gentlemen as possible, simply to break the trend.

Overall, well done on this piece. Thank you for writing it

-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
48 out of 51 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconartistofdawn:
ArtistOfDawn Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist

hey. There is no need to grow up if you are the type of person described in this poem.

The world needs more people like you. In fact I'm looking all over for some one  kind, understanding, and open.

good job by the way.

Reply
:iconxmoonlightangelx:
xMoonlightAngelx Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
There is always a place for someone like you in my world. :huggle:
Reply
:icondragonawakener:
dragonawakener Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2012
I am of the opinion that much of the blame for those males who are true gentlemen feeling this way rests with my own sex. Of course I don't mean every woman and I can only state this opinion based on what I have witnessed. I simply mean to say that I have noticed a severe drop in respect for our male counterparts.
Reply
:iconcosmic--chaos:
Cosmic--Chaos Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Despite your sentiments in this powerful poem, I think he world needs these things more than ever.
Reply
:iconmusicismyonlyescape:
MusicIsMyOnlyEscape Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012
This is very touching, and true. one of my best friends is going through this simply because he actually cares about women and respects them. More guys need to be like this. I personally find chivalry a refreshing break from the "I GOTZ SWAG" (yes I did take that from a previous comment, sorry)
Reply
:iconspiritduchess:
SpiritDuchess Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012
It sounds like you already have. But be careful for what you wish for.

Heroes only exist in worlds where they are needed.
Dreamers cast the nets for the world to climb
and.
All ships stop to rest. Eventually.

Stay thirsty my friend.



:)
Reply
:icontomaolykos:
Tomaolykos Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Now, come on, everyone goes through this. I went. My great sorrow is knowing I was born in a historically poor state (I was born in Brasilia, which has only over half of a century in existance). At least you are growing up, and soon enough you will find new ideals or a new identity as good as the old ones. Look at me for example: I try to emulate the culture of my home city, but you may know what happens when you lve in a capital: the most uncharacteristic part of that country. Because of my academic ambition I even tried to imagine myself as a desert-dwelling man, but this is just inexistent, because I feel sick in extreme heat. So, what was left for me? Water. I am linked to water in every way possible, from my astrological sign to the place in which I was born (Rio de Janeiro). I mean, even my paternal ancestry denote the sea(I have Spanish and Portuguese ancestry). In short, you have to listen to your heart. And sorry for not making a critique, I am not good at it.
Reply
:icondragonofyang:
dragonofyang Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Lovely. :heart: Why can't the male populous be more on the side of chivalrous and mature rather than "I gotz swag"? Wonderfully written piece.
Reply
:iconforgotten-reaper:
Forgotten-Reaper Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2012
You know what this piece proves? I GOTZ SWAG ;3
Thank ye for the lovely comment :3
Reply
:icondragonofyang:
dragonofyang Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Lol, nice.
'Tis nothing but the truth. :)
Reply
Add a Comment: