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Forgotten-Reaper by xMoonlightAngelx

L I T by BakuSpirit

Literature by zcwolf


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Submitted on
November 4, 2012
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There is no place for my ideals or me,
There is no place for justice or mercy.
There is no place for true love anymore,
It's a sad truth, it saddens me at the core.

There is no place for me in this world,
Where the cries of the needy must go unheard.
I'm cast out for my ideals, my gentleman's code,
Well, I was born like this, a man in hero mode.

There is no place for a hero in this world,
The knight in shining armour must go unheard.
There is no such thing as a Fairy Tale,
I am not Prince Charming, just another sail.

On a boat afloat on a sea of sadness,
The winds of mourning passing through me.
There is nowhere in this world for me...
There is nowhere in this world for gallantry.
...I... I need to grow up...
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:iconwordofchen:
Alrighty so, here is a critique as requested:

In terms of Vision, I give 4 on the following basis:

You have perceived and understood well the perspective of a man who finds that chivalry is dead and not just dead, but also rejected in this world. Anyone who plays Mr. Nice is looked down upon by the apathetic world and you are often seen as weird if you choose to go the extra mile for someone. So definitely a four for that. I didn't give five because of the slight inconsistency in the third stanza where is seems more emotionally directed at the narrator. I would have probably made it more focused, but that said, still a solid 4.

Originality is 3.5, on the following basis:

While the idea is not original (thus minusing half a star) and this style of rhyming is...minorly inconsistent (minus one star) [This was because of the code and mode thing, despite it also rhyming with unheard creating a slight jerk in the rhythm]. I would still say that it is a fairly original poem IN the style that you have done it. For me personally I never rank originality on the originality of the idea itself (else everything would be auto-one star including my own works), but instead I prefer to examine whether or not the deviant has portrayed it in their own way and here you have. Well done ^^

Technique is a solid 4.5, on the following basis:

You applied the chosen technique with consistency and throughout the poem. Minus half a star only because I found the rhythm slightly jerky, but that is a minor flow issue and anyone can fix it with seven hours of editing (I know I've tried), essentially it's not something to mark a piece down initially. So well done on keeping to the chosen technique "anymore, core" "Tale, Sail" ^^

Impact, 5, on the following basis:

The core theme behind the poem and the idea that it portrays is something very close to home for me. I believe that many 'nice guys' can relate to it if they read it and I know that I certainly can. I was once laughed at in high-school for using an old-line where I said, 'I would never strike a lady'. It was unfortunately something of a joke back in the day, but I still recall it and to this day I attempt to be as much of a gentlemen as possible, simply to break the trend.

Overall, well done on this piece. Thank you for writing it

-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
48 out of 51 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconartistofdawn:
ArtistOfDawn Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist

hey. There is no need to grow up if you are the type of person described in this poem.

The world needs more people like you. In fact I'm looking all over for some one  kind, understanding, and open.

good job by the way.

Reply
:iconxmoonlightangelx:
xMoonlightAngelx Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
There is always a place for someone like you in my world. :huggle:
Reply
:icondragonawakener:
dragonawakener Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2012
I am of the opinion that much of the blame for those males who are true gentlemen feeling this way rests with my own sex. Of course I don't mean every woman and I can only state this opinion based on what I have witnessed. I simply mean to say that I have noticed a severe drop in respect for our male counterparts.
Reply
:iconcosmic--chaos:
Cosmic--Chaos Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Despite your sentiments in this powerful poem, I think he world needs these things more than ever.
Reply
:iconmusicismyonlyescape:
MusicIsMyOnlyEscape Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012
This is very touching, and true. one of my best friends is going through this simply because he actually cares about women and respects them. More guys need to be like this. I personally find chivalry a refreshing break from the "I GOTZ SWAG" (yes I did take that from a previous comment, sorry)
Reply
:iconspiritduchess:
SpiritDuchess Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012
It sounds like you already have. But be careful for what you wish for.

Heroes only exist in worlds where they are needed.
Dreamers cast the nets for the world to climb
and.
All ships stop to rest. Eventually.

Stay thirsty my friend.



:)
Reply
:icontomaolykos:
Tomaolykos Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Now, come on, everyone goes through this. I went. My great sorrow is knowing I was born in a historically poor state (I was born in Brasilia, which has only over half of a century in existance). At least you are growing up, and soon enough you will find new ideals or a new identity as good as the old ones. Look at me for example: I try to emulate the culture of my home city, but you may know what happens when you lve in a capital: the most uncharacteristic part of that country. Because of my academic ambition I even tried to imagine myself as a desert-dwelling man, but this is just inexistent, because I feel sick in extreme heat. So, what was left for me? Water. I am linked to water in every way possible, from my astrological sign to the place in which I was born (Rio de Janeiro). I mean, even my paternal ancestry denote the sea(I have Spanish and Portuguese ancestry). In short, you have to listen to your heart. And sorry for not making a critique, I am not good at it.
Reply
:icondragonofyang:
dragonofyang Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Lovely. :heart: Why can't the male populous be more on the side of chivalrous and mature rather than "I gotz swag"? Wonderfully written piece.
Reply
:iconforgotten-reaper:
Forgotten-Reaper Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2012
You know what this piece proves? I GOTZ SWAG ;3
Thank ye for the lovely comment :3
Reply
:icondragonofyang:
dragonofyang Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Lol, nice.
'Tis nothing but the truth. :)
Reply
:iconmidda-the-cat:
Midda-the-Cat Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
*sigh* I think you're one of those on extinction.
Generally, the world now is filled with jerks with "no rules". And girls aren't better.
Reply
:iconforgotten-reaper:
Forgotten-Reaper Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2012
Pretty much :3
Ah yeah, by the way. I got unbanned.
10/1/2 with Kayle.
Then 27/9/14 or something, and a penta xD
Reply
:iconmidda-the-cat:
Midda-the-Cat Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Ah, right. The 6th has already passed.
Nice :meow: and by the way, finally I've seen penta! But not my dad's :c
I don't know if I'll be able to play this week. If I do, something probably will be sacrificed X3
Reply
:icondracos160:
Dracos160 Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
its sad that gentlemanly behavior is valued so little in this day and age. It should just be common currtosy to treat people with respect, granted im no saint in this respect.
Reply
:iconantaresdrake:
AntaresDrake Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Funny, I was talking about a friend of mine about this the other day. I told him that I appreciate being protected, but that I hate it when someone is overprotective of me to the point they suffocate me.

And what's even funnier is that on the same day I read an interview they made to Portia di Rossi in which she said that she used to believe that being strong meant being though, and that being independent meant not needing anyone; she then proceeded to say that she clung to those ideas until she met her wife (Ellen De Generes).

I can tell you this: we women do not like to be protected because we don't want to appear weak. Millenia of living in a hostile enviroment where any sign of weakness is exploded by merciless predators really screws you over. But those who are worse are those who pretend to be your friend when you are in need, and then they use you and abuse and throw you away. That's why so many of us have strong cynical reactions to people wanting to take care of us. We are used to pain and harsh worlds, not love and care.

There's also the fact that the traits a woman is gonna look in a mate are based on those her father had. And bad guys being glamorized by the media doesn't help either.

And about what Mr. Chen said about people who think those who go the extra mile for someone as if they were a science project, it is because they think "why does this person try to make a world a better place. They aren't gonna be able to save everyone."

It may sound corny, but don't give up. Never doubt that a small group of committed people can change the world. In fact, it is the only thing that ever has.
Reply
:iconforgotten-reaper:
Forgotten-Reaper Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2012
It's not protection I go for though.
I care about them, I don't protect them unless they want/need it.
Reply
:iconantaresdrake:
AntaresDrake Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for clarifying that.

It's nice to have a guy out there that cares about women. There are so many sexist assholes out there.
Reply
:iconforgotten-reaper:
Forgotten-Reaper Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2012
There are indeed... Now, don't you have a kitchen to go to? ;)
Reply
:iconantaresdrake:
AntaresDrake Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Haha yeah, but I'm too lazy to go. Maybe you should lend me a hand in cooking ;).
Reply
:iconcrazylittleblakcwolf:
CrazyLittleBlakcWolf Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2012  Hobbyist
It is just...... Awesome!!! :iconmonkeyloveplz:
Reply
:iconnoorelven:
noorelven Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2012
Well written and equally well demonstrated ...
Reply
:iconabsinth-c-lover:
Absinth-C-Lover Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2012
Very nice poem ~ I like it a lot ! :shamrock: :rose:
Reply
:iconsvitavotara:
Svitavotara Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012
Very beautiful poetry. It's so sad yet true.
Reply
:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012  Student Writer
No. You need to show the world what a grown-up should be.
Reply
:iconmaddhatter4850:
MaDdHatTer4850 Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012
Make a place, no one is stopping you.
Reply
:icongirlwhowrites:
girlwhowrites Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:( Sad, but very lovely.
Reply
:iconusagibard:
UsagiBard Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Don't give up on the gentleman's code or gallantry just yet. I have seen many things that sadden me inside and make me feel all is lost, however unexpected things happen and I witness kindness as well as hope at the strangest of times, be it directed toward me or an event somewhere in the world.
So don't give up on the world just yet or yourself because the bards and writers of this world need something to sing and make poems and stories about what you are striving for.

sorry for the rant
Reply
:icondarlingangel0565:
DarlingAngel0565 Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012  Professional Writer
There is always a place in this world for you. You are truly special and I mean that from that heart :huggle:
Reply
:iconmewkimikochan:
mewkimikochan Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
don't say you want to grow up and be like those who don't have a sympathetic bone in their body and are blind to the suffering. People who feel the need to, in a way, be a hero, are a rare type of people in this modern world.
Reply
:iconkalika-shai:
Kalika-Shai Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012  Student General Artist
There is always a place in this world for gallantry, for you.
Reply
:iconforgotten-reaper:
Forgotten-Reaper Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012
:huggle: Thank you Miranda...
Reply
:iconkalika-shai:
Kalika-Shai Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012  Student General Artist
You're welcome. :]

You know, I think you should carry a compass.
Not as a device to show which way north is,
but as a token to remind you that you are not lost,
that you will always find your way,
that whichever direction your life takes you
it is leading you to someone who believes in a guy like you,
who believes in gallantry, in true love.

That's just what I think. *shrugs* :)
Reply
:iconforgotten-reaper:
Forgotten-Reaper Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012
Might do that, be helpful too.
Can never remember if East is my left or my right, vice versa with West.
Reply
:iconkalika-shai:
Kalika-Shai Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012  Student General Artist
Hehe well, as long as it helps in some way. :hug:
Reply
:iconwdnest:
wdnest Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012  Professional Writer
Wish it were not that way. Good poem
Reply
:iconkakashi-girlfriend:
KaKashi-GirlFriend Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
A hero is always needed in this poor, cruel world.
Reply
:iconphototaker1497:
PhotoTAKER1497 Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012  Student Photographer
Why is it that you feel the need to grow up? Have people been telling you to do so?
But your work is utterly amazing. i read about one of your critiques and it made me angry. They made your work sound like trash. I just hope they know that what goes around comes around. There isn't any reason to judge hatefully on another artists work.
Reply
:iconforgotten-reaper:
Forgotten-Reaper Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012
Ah, was it from :iconglossolias: ?
But um, basically [link]
Every ex I have, in the end, sent me this.
Said there's no place for prince charming/a knight in shining armour/a hero in their lives.
Said true love is not the be all and end all, and you can't make a relationship work just on love.
One even said at our age we can't even feel love, as we have yet to experience it...
And we only can when we get older. *sigh*
Reply
:iconphototaker1497:
PhotoTAKER1497 Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2012  Student Photographer
i dont know..I think it was from yesterday or the day before..but it wasnt the greatest critique..
and ohh :/ white horse...i see..sad face.
wow...that must be heartbreaking...i feel so bad..that really sucks. now i can see where you get your ideas on what to write about
Reply
:iconforgotten-reaper:
Forgotten-Reaper Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2012
My life in general.
Reply
:iconphototaker1497:
PhotoTAKER1497 Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2012  Student Photographer
Seems like mine also..I feel....as if, maybe...just maybe, im stuck. I haven't been able to take pictures, I haven't written anything meaningful, and I haven't really given a shit. Does that seem..hm I really don't know what I'm trying to say..but yeah..sorry I'm wasting your time..
Reply
:iconbluedarkangelwings:
BlueDarkAngelWings Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012
Awee I really like this.
It is so true in this world inwhich we live in and it saddens me deeply that our society is like that.
Your work is amazing.^^
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