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Forgotten-Reaper by xMoonlightAngelx

L I T by BakuSpirit

Mental Illness Literature by TheButterflyOfHope


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Submitted on
June 17, 2012
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It's the same thing that drives me to suicide nearly every night,

It's the same thing that gives my enemies such evil delight.

It's the same thing that gives my lover such a fright,

It's the same evil thought that I am thinking tonight.

 

Even you reader, would you miss me if I left?

If I just stopped writing poetry, left this account bereft?

Would anyone, anywhere, miss me if I left?

If I left for good, because with a blade I am deft.

 

No one would miss me...

No reason to, no one loves me.

No reason to, no one even likes me.

It's just a fact that no one would miss me.

 

 

Meh...
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:iconfantasy-warriorx:
This poem holds so much sadness and pain. It really holds a lot of meaning. This shows a lot of talent, don't give up.
I think you've really written something that most people can all relate to. You've captured the essence of what it feels like to be alone, to be even surrounded by the ones you love and yet feel so much sadness and pain. You've captured the essence of not being wanted or needed, like no one needs you and you feel like a hinderance to everyone else. It shows so much lonliness and hurt, what it feels like to be so small and weak that no one can hear your unique voice. This shows the pain of what its like to be unoticable, that no one really understands you. This is what it feels like to be alone. I want you to know that you're not alone in this. You're not the only one who feels this way. I feel your pain.
You've written something really touching, the lines feel like whispers that are fading and slowly dissapearing as if it's impossible to hang on any longer. It feels like a long deep and dark fall into the shadows and this is the pain that comes from that fall. It feels like the pain is killing you slowly by slowly every day and there's no light at the end of the tunnel, it feels like there's no escape.
I know I probably can't say much to cheer you up, but I was really starting to get to know you. I would miss knowing such a person who has feelings that run deep and true. I would never truly get to know this person behind this poem and it is an opportunity that I would miss because I feel the same way so much during my times of depression. I do have the same feelings of not being able to be happy again. I would miss this person I barely know. It's going to get better, and even if the next step has you falling, there's somehow going to be a way back up. Life is ongoing like that. I hope you feel better.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
35 out of 36 deviants thought this was fair.

:icondawn181:
Critique by dawn181 Jun 19, 2012, 2:22:45 PM
Wow. What an emotionally impactful piece. It took my breath away reading it, and the impact was almost physical. I relate to this on so many levels, having had friends dealing with these same thoughts, as have I.

The words you used really took this poem to a new level. Your words just cut striaght through to the core. Not one word was wasted, each one did it's job wonderfully. I also like how you made this poem relateable to everyone, even if they haven't seriously thought about suicide. You captured what it feels like to be lonley perfectly.

You have a talent, that is for sure, and I hope you stay in this world. The literature community would be missing a wonderful poet.

Thank you for submitting this into #Words-Are-Beautiful critique folder.
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7 out of 7 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconxmoonlightangelx:
xMoonlightAngelx Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I would notice
I would miss you
Why?
Because I love you :huggle:
Reply
:iconforgotten-reaper:
Forgotten-Reaper Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2013
I love you too love. :huggle:
Reply
:iconxmoonlightangelx:
xMoonlightAngelx Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:huggle: Mines :heart:
Reply
:icondevilsjewel94:
DevilsJewel94 Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I love your writing... and your vocaulary is amazing... (: And I would miss you... if you would ever like to talk I'm here. I have been in that place too and have been for years... best of luck... ^.^
Reply
:icontopazcat511:
topazcat511 Featured By Owner Jul 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I must agree with the critique below, this is so beautifully written and filled to the brim with truthful emotion. I can't stress enough how much I love this and can relate :clap:
Reply
:iconiamroobyriot:
iamroobyriot Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2012  Student Writer
I like the structure of the first stanza. It definitely conveys the idea that this emotion, this situation, this thought isn’t just a one-off – it’s something that your narrator (you?) have experienced over and over again. I’m familiar with this feeling myself, and I think you communicated it very well indeed.

Also, some of the language you use is wonderful – ‘bereft’ is such a brilliant word. However, this is, perhaps, where I feel you let the poem slide a bit. You try and stick to your rhyme scheme, which I admire you for. I should point out though that rhyme isn’t necessary in a poem. When used, it can take poetry to another level, but if it’s not necessary I always encourage people to stay away from it. Within your poem, it makes you use words that aren’t necessary or don’t quite fit (the repetition of ‘left’ in the second stanza, for example).

The poem is very emotional, so I would suggest that you could get rid of the rhyme scheme and explore the power of language and, perhaps, of structure. You could spread the lines out, make the stanza longer or shorter, find new and exciting words to better convey the emotions. If there’s one thing I know about being suicidal and/or depressed, it’s that you feel you have absolutely no control over your life – apart from the ability to take it. Let the poem convey that! A crazy second stanza structure could show that. The rhyme scheme gives the poem a very concrete feel and I think that saps a little bit of the emotion out of it.

Overall though, I have to say that the poem was very good. A few more redrafts and it will be perfect, I’m sure!
Well done :)
Reply
:iconforgotten-reaper:
Forgotten-Reaper Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2012
:shrug: I only write rhyming poetry, nothing else XD
Sorry.
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:iconiamroobyriot:
iamroobyriot Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2012  Student Writer
It was just an observation :) Nothing wrong with a little experimentation from time to time.

Don't apologise. It's your work - do what you want. I'm just a reader!
Reply
:iconbakuspirit:
BakuSpirit Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2012  Hobbyist
I would miss you~ ♥

I hate feeling this way
Even in my moments of happiness
Especially in my moments of happiness
Thoughts like these take full force
Reply
:iconforgotten-reaper:
Forgotten-Reaper Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2012
Exactly. But constant with me.
And I doubt it...
Reply
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