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It's the same thing that drives me to suicide nearly every night,

It's the same thing that gives my enemies such evil delight.

It's the same thing that gives my lover such a fright,

It's the same evil thought that I am thinking tonight.

 

Even you reader, would you miss me if I left?

If I just stopped writing poetry, left this account bereft?

Would anyone, anywhere, miss me if I left?

If I left for good, because with a blade I am deft.

 

No one would miss me...

No reason to, no one loves me.

No reason to, no one even likes me.

It's just a fact that no one would miss me.

 

 

Meh...
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:iconfantasy-warriorx:
This poem holds so much sadness and pain. It really holds a lot of meaning. This shows a lot of talent, don't give up.
I think you've really written something that most people can all relate to. You've captured the essence of what it feels like to be alone, to be even surrounded by the ones you love and yet feel so much sadness and pain. You've captured the essence of not being wanted or needed, like no one needs you and you feel like a hinderance to everyone else. It shows so much lonliness and hurt, what it feels like to be so small and weak that no one can hear your unique voice. This shows the pain of what its like to be unoticable, that no one really understands you. This is what it feels like to be alone. I want you to know that you're not alone in this. You're not the only one who feels this way. I feel your pain.
You've written something really touching, the lines feel like whispers that are fading and slowly dissapearing as if it's impossible to hang on any longer. It feels like a long deep and dark fall into the shadows and this is the pain that comes from that fall. It feels like the pain is killing you slowly by slowly every day and there's no light at the end of the tunnel, it feels like there's no escape.
I know I probably can't say much to cheer you up, but I was really starting to get to know you. I would miss knowing such a person who has feelings that run deep and true. I would never truly get to know this person behind this poem and it is an opportunity that I would miss because I feel the same way so much during my times of depression. I do have the same feelings of not being able to be happy again. I would miss this person I barely know. It's going to get better, and even if the next step has you falling, there's somehow going to be a way back up. Life is ongoing like that. I hope you feel better.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
35 out of 36 deviants thought this was fair.

:icondawn181:
Critique by dawn181 Jun 19, 2012, 2:22:45 PM
Wow. What an emotionally impactful piece. It took my breath away reading it, and the impact was almost physical. I relate to this on so many levels, having had friends dealing with these same thoughts, as have I.

The words you used really took this poem to a new level. Your words just cut striaght through to the core. Not one word was wasted, each one did it's job wonderfully. I also like how you made this poem relateable to everyone, even if they haven't seriously thought about suicide. You captured what it feels like to be lonley perfectly.

You have a talent, that is for sure, and I hope you stay in this world. The literature community would be missing a wonderful poet.

Thank you for submitting this into #Words-Are-Beautiful critique folder.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
7 out of 7 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconxmoonlightangelx:
xMoonlightAngelx Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I would notice
I would miss you
Why?
Because I love you :huggle:
Reply
:iconforgotten-reaper:
Forgotten-Reaper Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2013
I love you too love. :huggle:
Reply
:iconxmoonlightangelx:
xMoonlightAngelx Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:huggle: Mines :heart:
Reply
:icondevilsjewel94:
DevilsJewel94 Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I love your writing... and your vocaulary is amazing... (: And I would miss you... if you would ever like to talk I'm here. I have been in that place too and have been for years... best of luck... ^.^
Reply
:icontopazcat511:
topazcat511 Featured By Owner Jul 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I must agree with the critique below, this is so beautifully written and filled to the brim with truthful emotion. I can't stress enough how much I love this and can relate :clap:
Reply
:iconiamroobyriot:
iamroobyriot Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2012  Student Writer
I like the structure of the first stanza. It definitely conveys the idea that this emotion, this situation, this thought isn’t just a one-off – it’s something that your narrator (you?) have experienced over and over again. I’m familiar with this feeling myself, and I think you communicated it very well indeed.

Also, some of the language you use is wonderful – ‘bereft’ is such a brilliant word. However, this is, perhaps, where I feel you let the poem slide a bit. You try and stick to your rhyme scheme, which I admire you for. I should point out though that rhyme isn’t necessary in a poem. When used, it can take poetry to another level, but if it’s not necessary I always encourage people to stay away from it. Within your poem, it makes you use words that aren’t necessary or don’t quite fit (the repetition of ‘left’ in the second stanza, for example).

The poem is very emotional, so I would suggest that you could get rid of the rhyme scheme and explore the power of language and, perhaps, of structure. You could spread the lines out, make the stanza longer or shorter, find new and exciting words to better convey the emotions. If there’s one thing I know about being suicidal and/or depressed, it’s that you feel you have absolutely no control over your life – apart from the ability to take it. Let the poem convey that! A crazy second stanza structure could show that. The rhyme scheme gives the poem a very concrete feel and I think that saps a little bit of the emotion out of it.

Overall though, I have to say that the poem was very good. A few more redrafts and it will be perfect, I’m sure!
Well done :)
Reply
:iconforgotten-reaper:
Forgotten-Reaper Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2012
:shrug: I only write rhyming poetry, nothing else XD
Sorry.
Reply
:iconiamroobyriot:
iamroobyriot Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2012  Student Writer
It was just an observation :) Nothing wrong with a little experimentation from time to time.

Don't apologise. It's your work - do what you want. I'm just a reader!
Reply
:iconbakuspirit:
BakuSpirit Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2012  Hobbyist
I would miss you~ ♥

I hate feeling this way
Even in my moments of happiness
Especially in my moments of happiness
Thoughts like these take full force
Reply
:iconforgotten-reaper:
Forgotten-Reaper Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2012
Exactly. But constant with me.
And I doubt it...
Reply
:iconbakuspirit:
BakuSpirit Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2012  Hobbyist
It wasn't always so easy for me to be happy
Even though it's gotten better recently, when the old feelings do come back it's almost crippling
And no one notices it but me

Don't doubt it
Reply
:iconforgotten-reaper:
Forgotten-Reaper Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2012
Why not? You don't understand what it's like to be me, what it's like to be alone and smothered at the same time... It's awful, it really is. No one would miss me, no one would notice, and I am glad, because it means when I die, I have no regrets.
Reply
:iconbakuspirit:
BakuSpirit Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2012  Hobbyist
Well just know that there's one stubborn girl in America who'll miss you no matter what.
How is that a life with no regrets? Is it really living at all?
Reply
:iconforgotten-reaper:
Forgotten-Reaper Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2012

It's the perfect life. No one is ever hurt by me ever again when I die. And you'd be amazed at the things you can do when no one speaks to you, no one knows who you are, no one knows your name, the fun you can have, being totally anonymous, even among your friends and family... It's more than living, it's what life was made for.
Reply
:iconbakuspirit:
BakuSpirit Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2012  Hobbyist
But doesn't being anonymous forever have it's own disadvantages?
It's really complicated how the crippling loneliness and isolation attack when surrounded by people, but doesn't the loneliness increase tenfold if you live a life of anonymity?
Shouldn't there be fun in being more than just anonymous? In being, not recognized but more like.. not invisible?
Reply
:iconforgotten-reaper:
Forgotten-Reaper Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2012
I don't believe so.
The crippling loneliness is my best friend, and constant companion, I don't mind it ever so much anymore. And the loneliness may increase tenfold, I wouldn't know. I don't really have any friends, so I don't know what it's like to not have anonymity.
And I'm larger than life, and yet a shadow, it's exhilarating. Besides, if I'm not invisible, I hurt people. Or they hate me anyway. Just because I exist. It's what my life has been, forever, and always will be, which is why I'm just... Not there anymore. You can hate and fear the shadows all you want, but the shadows do not fear back, but nor do they hate.
I am emotionless, I am alone, I am a sad, sad, creature, I am shadow.
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconthechaoswithinorder:
TheChaoswithinOrder Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2012
Well I have to admit, I don't know that much, but even then I would notice if you were gone. And I have to say that I relate to this poem as well. And now a sarcastic comment to try and lighten the mood... This has managed to be just about everything about being an emo into a single page of paper.... well that just seems like an insult.... hrmmm.... usually I'm better at this....
Reply
:iconforgotten-reaper:
Forgotten-Reaper Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2012
XDDDD!!! And yeah, everything about being an emo at once!
CHEMO POWER! XD (chav+emo)
Reply
:iconthechaoswithinorder:
TheChaoswithinOrder Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2012
XD
Reply
:icontuwz:
tuwz Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2012
wow I realy had to cry, eventhough I usually never cry ... I know exactly how that feels... :'(
that poem is so beautiful thank you
Reply
:iconaalie:
aalie Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2012  Student General Artist
Aw Reaper. :tighthug: I'd miss you. There'd be no one to discuss if stabbing new friends is proper or not with. No one that would have the balls to tell me that they didn't like something I wrote, except my sister, who just says things to be mean about it and hates everything i do anyway. Don't hurt yourself man. D: You are worth it, so pick yourself up and keep going. I'll be here for you if you need anything. :heart:

also, very great poem. Touching....
Reply
:iconforgotten-reaper:
Forgotten-Reaper Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2012
... :iconbowplz:
Reply
:iconaalie:
aalie Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2012  Student General Artist
:iconsuperglompplz:
Reply
:icondragon-demygod:
Dragon-Demygod Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2012
I would truly miss you. I love your work and all that you do. I know depression better than you may think, and one of two may happen. You may grow numb, or you die. Until someone shows me a different way, I must say those are the only two I know. Please don't leave us, we really do care. This is not false words, this isn't just to make you feel better, this is the truth. I'm not one to lie to others, I've had to much of that in my life to give it to others. Please, I do beg you. We care.
Reply
:iconforgotten-reaper:
Forgotten-Reaper Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2012
I'm numb, I've been numb for years, I've been trying to die.
Reply
:icondragon-demygod:
Dragon-Demygod Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2012
Find a reason to live, that's what I did. More then just making your friends and family happy. Find something that will drive you. We are here for a reason, you just need to find yours.
Reply
:iconforgotten-reaper:
Forgotten-Reaper Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2012
Than* And I do have my reason, it's just not.... Working, lately.
Reply
:icondragon-demygod:
Dragon-Demygod Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2012
It'll pass, everything does. Until then, I shall be here for you if you wish to talk about it. (I'll still be here even when it passes.)
Reply
:iconforgotten-reaper:
Forgotten-Reaper Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2012
Mmm... Doubt it.
Reply
:icondragon-demygod:
Dragon-Demygod Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2012
Which part? For it is all true. I don't lie you know. I can't bare the thought of it, I've had enough of it myself.
Reply
:iconforgotten-reaper:
Forgotten-Reaper Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2012
That it'll pass. How would you know?
You don't know what it is or what's stopped it.
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconsea-rchlight:
sea-rchlight Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
hi there (:

just wanted to say i really like this poem for two main reasons: i. you're giving us a glimpse into an aspect of your life that seems incredibly difficult and stressful and painful. ii. pieces like this are honest in their purpose and their meaning.

this is nicely written, dear poet. on a purely structural level, the rhyme scheme does not seem forced, the piece flows all the way through and it's an easy read. on a deeper level, this is quite an emotional poem. you're laying yourself bare, letting us know that you hurt sometimes.

also, i would miss you.
Reply
:iconforgotten-reaper:
Forgotten-Reaper Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2012
:iconbowplz: Doubt it....
Reply
:iconsea-rchlight:
sea-rchlight Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:iconsuperheroglompplz:

nope! don't doubt.

i'd like you to know that i'm here if you need to talk about anything. just drop a note into my box (:
Reply
:iconforgotten-reaper:
Forgotten-Reaper Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2012
How in Hell could you read that? :iconasdfghplz: :iconotlplz:
Reply
:iconsea-rchlight:
sea-rchlight Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
copy//pasta, bro. ;D
Reply
:iconswordrush13:
Swordrush13 Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012
I'm liking this poem because it's well-written, not because it's true. I know for a fact that there are people in your life who will miss you.

You may not realize it, but you said it yourself when you mentioned "your lover." You are loved. :)
Reply
:iconforgotten-reaper:
Forgotten-Reaper Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012
Mhm. Sure.
Reply
:iconswordrush13:
Swordrush13 Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012
You don't have to believe me, but that doesn't change a thing.
Reply
:iconipomeatricolor:
IpomeaTricolor Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
good to know that thoughts like this aren't just in my head:D
Reply
:icongary-thedreamingpoet:
Gary-thedreamingpoet Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012  Professional Writer
I lost a friend here a while back who thought no one would miss him... I still do.
Let your poetry do the bleeding. :)
Reply
:iconforgotten-reaper:
Forgotten-Reaper Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012
Mhm... :lonely:
Reply
:icongary-thedreamingpoet:
Gary-thedreamingpoet Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012  Professional Writer
Then this is the place to make friends... :)
And I'm usually around if you ever want to talk...
Reply
:iconforgotten-reaper:
Forgotten-Reaper Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012
:shrug: Sure. I guess.
Reply
:iconligrayin:
LigraYin Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Actually, I was looking through an old notebook of mine last night. It held everything you wrote about. That was just last year, and looking back at it now just made me sad because I know I was close to suicide. But today, right now, I'm further than ever from it. Find someone who will listen to you (I would) and talk to them. Talk until you literally have nothing else to say. It is THE BEST way to fix this. Don't listen to your enemies, the way to fix that is just act like you're the reason the world spins around them. And most of all, find someone or somthing that will make you laugh. The world may seem dark now, but it WILL feel better if you look for the beauty in it. It's how I saved myself. That's the best advice I can give. I hope it helps. People would miss you. I would. The others who have commented would and the lover you wrote about in the poem would. I'll do anything to help.
Reply
:iconnekoninja13:
NekoNinja13 Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2012
this is exactly how i felt i have a girl friend that does loves me now though but before i wanted either a new life or to die and if this is actually your thought then just go against it chances are that if you feel this way then you might think you were put on this earth as a play thing to a god dont play into their hands just go against it
Reply
:iconkakashi-girlfriend:
KaKashi-GirlFriend Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I may not know you, but now I would. I would miss you.
Reply
:iconxonthecalender:
XOnTheCalender Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2012
Reading your poetry, I'm certain that I would, in fact, miss you. Even if you think they wouldn't, the world would grieve the loss of such a brilliant, crative mind.
Reply
:iconmidnightbluedestiny9:
no tru!!!
Reply
:iconacunfuzzledmynd:
ACunFuzzledMynd Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2012
Very beautiful and amazingly written, it would be a tragedy to see you leave and i know for a fact many would miss you dearly.
Reply
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